This post is part of the Beauty of a Woman BlogFest VI! To read more entries, visit the fest page.
Sugar is my drug. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, sugar is how I’ve coped with trauma and PTSD for most of my life. Spoiler alert: I have struggled with health and weight issues for the last ten years. And I have been constantly sick.
I have been on a journey of learning how to take good care of myself so that I don’t eat myself into an early grave. After three years of concentrated work with a counselor and a naturopath, I have reduced my blood sugar level down from the danger zone. I know that I am already insulin resistant, which gives me even more motivation to stay away from sugar. I have even lost ten pounds, and kept it off.
I still have a long way to go. And there is one specific way that I have discovered – one particular phrase – that helps me stay on track, especially when I am strung out.
Making a Change at a Time
I’ve made these strides by making one change at a time. First it was drinking more water throughout the day. Then it was signing up with a personal trainer. I go to a support group for people like me, who use food as a drug. I slowly weeded out daily desserts and replaced them with fruit and, yes, even vegetables. I gave up dairy because I am severely intolerant – and let me tell you, I LOVE cheese.
I’m not gonna lie, there are days that I fall off the wagon, which for me is to binge on whatever food I can get my hands on. At my most stressed out, I am tempted to eat until I am sick; sometimes, I do that, waking the next morning with a hangover to rival those caused by drinking too much alcohol.
I don’t give up. The voices in my head – the ones that tell me I’m a failure or will always “be fat” or am never going to be good enough – echo through my brain on most days. These voices tell me there’s no point in trying and to give up. We all die anyway, right?
The Socially Acceptable Drug
These voices are with me all the time. They pipe up extra loud when I go to the grocery store.
The thing about dealing with a food addiction is that it’s socially acceptable to go to a grocery store, jonesing for a fix. I often find myself in a grocery store, wandering through aisles of candy, cookies, cake, muffins – basically anything with high amounts of sugar – and want, want, want. The desire thrums through my bloodstream.
I pick up items of food and set them down again. Sometimes I carry them around, finally dropping them in some other part of the store, working against shame and those damn voices.
During one recent shopping trip, I stood in the middle of a grocery aisle and closed my eyes. I was so tired of the demanding, petulant voice that wanted to feed my addiction, that voice that says, “You’ve had a bad trigger/shock/day/week, you *deserve* this.”
I took a deep breath, then another, and a thought rose in my mind: If you want a different life, you have to make a different choice. Just one different choice.
I walked out with no desserts. None. This one particular phrase has been the key to keeping me on track.
If you want a different life, you have to make a different choice.
I’m worth a different life.
Get More Laughs and Inspiration By Kelly Wilson
Don’t Punch People in the Junk: (Seemingly) Obvious Life Lessons to Teach Kids is a funny parenting book about the obvious statements that we never dream we will have to say out loud to the children in our lives.
Kelly Wilson’s The Art of Seduction is a funny book about sex and relationships, helping desperate people get the sex they need from their mates.
Caskets From Costco is a funny grief book that demonstrates the certainty of hope and healing in an uncertain and painful world.
All three are available through Amazon at great prices!