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Friday #Funny: How To Warn Your #Kids About Gateway Candy | Wilson WritesThere are some holes that are simply “Exit Only,” even when it comes to candy. The nose has two of these types of holes. If you haven’t talked about this obvious life lesson with your children (ala Don’t Punch People in the Junk), take heed. I’m here to help.

Don’t Put Crap Up Your Nose

This seems obvious, but that is the nature of parenting. Even when you think you’ve covered all the important stuff, there is bound to be something you have inadvertently left out. Like keep your pants on in public. Don’t ask the teacher to wipe your butt. Or don’t put crap up your nose.

I’ve never been one for snorting stuff, and that was reinforced on my trip to Kenya several years ago. A country ravaged by AIDS and poverty, many of the kids we encountered lived in orphanages or on the street. The street kids usually had a sleeve pulled over one hand, and would bend their heads to breathe deeply into that sleeve.

Our guide explained that glue sniffing was popular, and the kids were hiding containers of glue – similar to rubber cement – in their sleeves to take hits from. Heartbreaking in itself, the results are more so – many of these kids experienced addiction and brain damage due to this practice.

My parenting was forever effected by this experience, and I made a point with my kids when they were young to instruct them not to sniff glue or markers or poisons and what not.

Apparently they had forgotten.

Snorting the Gateway Candy

If you don’t already, I highly recommend eating dinner with your kids around the table several times a week. You never know what’s going to come up in conversation, and it gives you an opportunity to address the obvious life lessons your kids might have missed.

During dinner one night, Youngest announced, “Kids are snorting Pixy Stix.”

“Where?” I said.

“In their nose.”

I sighed. “Yes, I know with their noses. Where, like at school?”

“Yeah, and other places.”

This was getting me nowhere. “Agh, don’t snort stuff!” I said. “Your nose is like your butt! Just don’t stick stuff up there!”

“Kids also crush smarties and snort them on the bus,” said Oldest.

“Hmph,” said Husband. “Well, Smarties are a gateway candy.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. It’s better than parenting worry driving me completely insane.

Friday #Funny: How To Warn Your #Kids About Gateway Candy | Wilson Writes

Want More Laughs? Try Don’t Punch People in the Junk!

Don't Punch People in the Junk Signed Copy | Wilson WritesLife lessons are not always obvious, especially to kids. Don’t Punch People in the Junk: (Seemingly) Obvious Life Lessons to Teach Kids is a funny parenting book about the obvious statements that we never dream we will have to say out loud to the children in our lives.

When the author’s youngest child punched two kids in the junk within an 18-hour period, she questioned whether she could have done anything to prevent it. To be honest, she hadn’t thought to tell her children directly not to punch people in the junk. It wasn’t a message that she imagined she would have to state with the straightforwardness of instructions like, “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

Don’t Punch People in the Junk is an ode to those obvious life lessons that we not only have to teach directly to children, but that we, as adults, can often miss through the course of everyday life. Whether you work with children, have raised them safely to adulthood, are currently attempting to parent them without going insane, or if you simply were a child at some point, Don’t Punch People in the Junk provides a poignant and humorous look at life lessons that, in retrospect, can seem…obvious.

Go here to download a free excerpt of the funny parenting book, Don’t Punch People in the Junk!

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