Add Some Adult to your Apple Pie

Poor Ned. His destiny is the same as Mr. Turkey.

Poor Ned. His destiny is the same as Mr. Turkey.

The holidays are upon us. In the spirit of Linus from Peanuts, “I’m dooomed.” I feel like EVERYONE in Game of Thrones who says, “Winter is Coming.”

Yeah, that’s how I feel about this time of year.

Yes, I’m thankful. I love my health, my family, my job. Truly.

But my brain shorts out this time of year and fighting the depression only makes it worse. I’m trying to embrace it.

And when I saw a family member offer to make this Adult Apple Pie recipe as his contribution to Thanksgiving Dinner, I said, “UM, YES PLEASE.”

Here is the recipe:

  • 1 gallon apple juice
  • 1/2 gallon apple cider
  • 6 cinnamon sticks
  • 3 cups sugar

Mix those ingredients in a sauce pan and bring them to a boil. Stir it, or don’t.

Let it cool completely. This will take about 6 hours – no, I’m not joking. Don’t try to rush the process or it will be RUINT.

Once it’s cooled, add 1/2 liter of Everclear OR Vodka. I actually hadn’t heard the word “everclear” since high school, I thought it was an urban legend. Remove the cinnamon sticks.

adult apple piePut the liquid in glass bottles or jars, because if you put it in plastic, it will probably eat it away Breaking Bad (season 1) bathtub style.

It will look like jars of urine – go ahead and tell everyone that it’s jars of pee, then take a shot from one of them.

Happy Thanksgiving!





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About Kelly

Kelly Wilson is an author, comedian and obsessed money saver trying to maintain sanity through laughter. She is the author of Live Cheap & Free, Don’t Punch People in the Junk, and Caskets From Costco. Kelly Wilson currently writes for a living and lives with her Magically Delicious husband, junk-punching children, dog, cat, and stereotypical minivan in Portland, Oregon. Read more about her at

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Discuss: “Add Some Adult to your Apple Pie”

  1. November 28, 2013 at 2:17 pm #

    ALERT – better recipe, less sugar:
    gallon of cider
    gallon of juice
    1.5 cups of sugar
    8 cinnamon sticks
    Rest is the same…

    Posted by Kelly

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